peer advice, support, inspiration
Q:I’m a recently matched BC, and I’ve started to hang out with my match and his friends. My match and I have made the decision to attend the next blessing, and I feel confident in our Blessing. However, I’m starting to notice how close he is to his female friends, and to be honest, I’m feeling a bit jealous. How can I overcome these feelings?
I first want to say your emotions are totally understandable and not unique. Your life starts to change when you’re in a serious relationship. You have to learn new boundaries that you didn’t have before – especially regarding your relationships with members of the opposite sex. It’s not about you doing whatever you want anymore. Instead, it’s about maintaining a balance between what you’d like to do, and what makes your partner happy and comfortable. This balance can take a while, sometimes years, to achieve, and active and constant communication is absolutely necessary.
As one of my teacher’s always says, it’s not about what’s expected or what everyone else’s doing. The question is, “How’s whatever you are doing working for you as couple?” Some individuals might feel like there is nothing wrong going out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex. Others might feel betrayed, or hurt. Your goal is to make your partner happy, and to make sure they trust you, and vice versa. Therefore, if they are uncomfortable with something, or hurt by the way you interact with members of the opposite sex, then it doesn’t matter how insignificant their act might have been, you need to say something. That doesn’t mean you should accuse them, or assume anything but their good intentions.
What it means is that it is your responsibility to speak up for yourself and let your partner know exactly how you feel about their actions. Be assertive and let them know, “when you go out to dinner alone with your friend ‘Mariah’, I feel uncomfortable and a little bit hurt. I don’t want to make you change, but I do want you to know that it sucks for me. I feel jealous and I accuse myself for feeling jealous, but I feel it all the same.”
If your partner is really the partner for you, then saying something like that will really mean something and they will want to change their behavior right away. If they tell you that you are just overreacting and get annoyed, then they are not respecting you which can lead to much bigger problems.
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~ Matching Mentor